What the hell am I doing?: November 2005

Gobble

I am procrastinating reading up on how to cook a turkey and doing my blog instead.

I am a reluctant homemaker who is not crafty, cannot do laundry, and usually gets take-out turkey. This year, my dad, who is ill, did not want take-out and insisted it had a weird aftertaste to it last year. (It probably did) So, I indulged him and now am stressing out about the whole dinner preparation and getting my house clean. Why do I do this to myself? I am going to end up with a really sore back and aching feet.

Hopefully, someone will be thankful.

Happy Turkey Day!

Goals, schmoals

On August 31st I finally made the decision to withdraw from school. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders and ever since then I have been trying to examine why.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person who has been relatively ambitious when it comes to education. I have always been good at school until recently. Not that I am bad, I just never started really. I signed up for extension classes at Western and ended up working on the same flippin' paper for about a year. I could not get into it and it was really stressing me out. I felt like I needed to be working toward the educational goal while being a stay at home mom. But, why?

So, I just read an article in November’s O magazine and there is a great article about how the "goal oriented" people are the least happy. Meaning the people who have a list and have to tick off all of their goals. Basically it said that those who are seriously goal oriented tend to have tunnel vision when it comes to their life, not really present in the moment and too focused on the future. They might be financially successful, but not really happy. All too often they were working on goals that they eventually felt were someone else's or society's expectations of them.

Holy light bulb moment,Oprah! I think I figured out why I was so stressed out. Granted, I need stress in my life to move me forward, usually, but this was bogging me down big time! So, I came to the realization that we all do this to some extent. We put pressure on ourselves into a goal because perceive it to be the norm or the expectation.

The article also said that the happiest people are those who are open to opportunity, go where they are fulfilled and with what works. They don't have a life plan and stick to it, they have aspirations, but are flexible when something they like more comes up.

Ok, so here's me being flexible... I met with a woman on Wednesday (who I met at Starbucks) to talk about starting my own investments business. So, we ended up talking about writing, my blog, and my dream to write a book. She was great and told me that I didn't need another degree to start writing or to do whatever it is that I want to do. With my life experience and my current mama experience, I could start writing about that!

Therefore, Dear Reader, you are now the subject of my brainstorming, trying-to-come-up-with- a- subject blog. Any ideas or bullshit contained herein are the sole property of me. This blog is now intellectual property. HA! :) Watch out, Oprah, here I come!

Here's to changing directions and not assuming goals that are really not yours. Cheers!

Pisser

Okay, my kid is getting potty trained and is pretty much trained except at night. She has this habit of coming into our bed in the middle of the night. This happens to coincide with the time that she has to pee. I know you are getting the point... Yes, she pissed a whole bunch on my relatively new bed.

Here is another pisser, I, having some forethought, purchased a mattress protection plan when I bought the bed thinking that someone would end up peeing or puking on it. Well, this is the universe's way of telling me that I need to get more organized because in order to get the damn thing cleaned you have to have your original receipt and the package that the mattress pad came in. Who has that crap on hand? I certainly don't. I have a guest room full of important papers mixed in with all of the junk mail I have received in the last six to nine months. I will have to go through a mountain of paper to find one puny receipt to get the pee off of my mattress. I am debating whether or not it is worth it and clean it myself with something that may or may not work. Argh!!

Pisser!

The grass is always greener...

I am probably the happiest I have ever been in my life (which is saying alot), but...

Last weekend my friend from high school Heather K. came over on the ferry and spent most of the day with me. We had a really good time catching up. Hubby was working so we took the kids to the park, then had lunch downtown Bainbridge. But then I started thinking, what if I was single? What if I had made totally different choices in my life. Her life sounds so glamourous compared to mine. She is dating, has a great job, and goes out with the girls often. She gets to see concerts on weeknights (gasp!) and just do fun stuff. Hell, last night I fell asleep at 9pm while I was lying down with my kids to get them to sleep. That life is so incomprehensible especially when my kid pees on me (through the Pull-Up) while I am typing on my blog!

What if I had moved back to Seattle area after college? Would I be happy? Probably not. I would have had to move in with my parents and they would have driven me to insanity. (not that I am not already crazy, I just would have been really crazy then) Then I never would have had my kids or hubby. And even though sometimes I have hard days where I can't even take a shower (like today), I do love my little family.

I do need a day off once in a while and would love to go out drinking and dancing and sleep without little feet kicking me in the ribs.

Maybe this hedonistic consumer culture that I try to resist is worming its way into my brain. Wasn't it last week that I had to have that new washer and dryer? (I did need it though because it took an hour and forty minutes to dry six towels!) It is hard to keep happy in the "keeping up with the Joneses" suburbia mentality. I have friends that easily get sucked into "if only I had more money, I'd be happy" or "when I get a new house I will be happy." Its kind of sad, really. I just need to kick myself in the ass once in a while when I start thinking the "what ifs." I made my choices for a reason, damn it, and I don't want to live life with a bunch of regrets.

So, when I get tired of house cleaning and diaper changes I'll just live vicariously through my more worldly friends and be happy for them, but try not to short- change myself with a bunch of doubts.

Too much thinking

What the hell am I doing?

I have been thinking about why this blog is suddenly so desirable to me (and others). Am I trying to escape my life into some sort of cyberspace otherworld? Am I just being lazy and not wanting to do my laundry? Maybe a little of both.

I think the reason why I would rather do this than an actual diary is that there is some off chance that someone will agree with what I have to say, however insignificant it is. I think I have been very contrary lately (mari, mari quite contrary) and just want some freaking positive feedback for a change. Like Lynnae and Daniel, this may be somewhat theraputic and much cheaper than psychoanalysis!