Pray for my friend Laura

Hi all!

Please say a prayer for my best friend Laura and her husband Chip (William) as they are getting their new baby boy, Owen in Seoul, Korea today (hopefully). Check out their blog at www.owenbird.blogspot.com They also have twin girls, Caroline and Jane who they have adopted from China almost exactly 3 years ago. It is such a big, difficult process, I can't even imagine. But, I am addicted to checking their site every couple of hours to see if they have him yet. I have been a soundboard for Laura all these months of waiting. I am so happy they almost have him!

Love you all of you,
M

Book ideas

I have been reading alot lately....children's books. I have been taking an elementary ed. literacy class and I am supposed to read 30 children's books this quarter. I usually read a great deal, but mostly our home books that are getting a little old and tired. I am loving the children's books.

So, please tell me what your favorite children's books are (you are helping me with my homework)! I am also making a shift as an aspiring book writer of a non-fiction or novel for adults to a children's book author. Yes, I love it that much!

I have a couple of ideas of what books to write, I just need to do it! I even have a friend to illustrate them...

Hope you are well!

Love,
M

The loves of my life

I love my children more than anything or anyone in the world. I am constantly hard on myself that I am not a good enough mother. Read "The Glass Castle," that'll set your priorities straight. Jeannette Walls' mother didn't even put food on the table. I don't feel so bad now that my house is a little messy, I know we don't wallow in garbage or filth.

David has been great and really hard to deal with. He has been very adventurous, I guess you could say. In the last month he has had three brushes with death and I have been scared to death to let him out of my sight. How do you get through to a 3-year old that something is life threatening when they don't have a concept of death? He bonked his head at the pool and had to go to the ER, then he jumped into the deep end of the pool and another dad had to jump in after him (fully clothed!) to save his ass and then we lost him for a full 5-7 minutes at JC Penney. I was sobbing in the middle of the store and he was hiding under the luggage display because he was pooping in his pull-up. When he kisses me and tells me he loves me all is forgiven, but everytime I think of it I start getting choked up.

Annalise is girly girl who loves to do art and play hard. She is stubborn, but sweet. She drives me crazy when she debates me and uses the same tactics I use to control her behavior on me.

I love these babies and want to keep them close to me to save them from harm, but know that isn't possible. David actually began swimming on his own this weekend! If I let them go a little, they grow into their own little people with talents. Its just so hard to do!

Hot Headed

Can I tell you how much I hate spanking? But I do it--at least twice a week. When my 3-year-old son is hitting me and taunting me, running away from me or being seriously mean to his sister. I know in my mind that I should put him in time-out, but he pops right out of the time-out chair. I have told him that if he doesn't stay in time-out I will spank him. I don't want to, but if he does it, I do.

I hate myself for having to resort to spanking. And alot of the time it doesn't work... only if I hit him harder. What do I do when I am at my wits end? I don't know what to do. My whole frustration gets taken out on my kid and I hate that.

I have been in a better mood lately, but right now I'm just cranky because of the heat.

M

Hello Disillusionment

I have to continue to remind myself, that I am not my body. My body is a shell, a vehicle I use to do my life's work, whatever that may be. My body does not define me, but I must take care of it in order to live. I haven't been doing that so well.

I have been struggling with quite a few things, shall I list them?
1. Body image, what I look like, how much I *should* weigh. What I *should* eat, for health and for pleasure.
2. What is the foundation of my faith, I need to dialogue with myself about that to get right with God.
3. What should I be as a mother, what do my children need and how do I balance that with my own needs.
4.What are my own needs? What do I need to do in order to be a happy person vs. a bitter, resentful person that I find myself slipping into.
5. How do I connect with my husband, how do we become better partners? How do we continue on the same path together, rather than growing apart?
6. How do I fulfill my family obligations (i.e help my dad with his finances, retirement, health insurance) so that it is not at the expense of my immediate family?
7. How do I balance all of the above with my need for outside friendship, relationship with my mom and sisters, in laws, and my household obligations (dishes, laundry, yard work) that seem to take up most of my time.

Not that I expect anyone to help me with this, it is just that I have been thinking quite a bit about all of these things because I haven't been the happiest of people. My resentment toward all the people in my life have been growing which is a clear indicator that my life is out of balance.

I project happiness, contentment out to the world, when in fact I am often flustered, frustrated and just angry at everyone. My greatest sadness is that I take it out on my kids and distance myself from my husband. I feel like I am drowning in my obligations, overwhelmed at that scope of what I have to do. My hope is that I can help myself (because no one else cares to try) by writing. Hello bitterness, goodbye sense of who I really am. I am being swallowed by this cancer of self-pity and spite.

A New Beginning

I finally figured out how to reclaim my blog!

I feel compelled to begin the writing process again. I have a goal to write a book in the next 5 years and would like my blog to be the jumping point again. I have several ideas in mind. The first that keeps coming back to haunt me is writing about our concept (as a society) of motherhood.

It is my own concept of motherhood that is the source of much of my self-imposed stress. I would like to explore this further, but the irony is that I really have to pee. Why, you must ask, does a grown woman deny herself the simple relief of using the toilet? Well, I did the dishes, folded laundry, fed the kids, changed a diaper and checked my email. This denial of my basic need to take a potty break is driven by this view of what mothers should do.

On that note, more later, I must go...

On the cover of a Rolling Stone

Hey, you must check out the most recent Rolling Stone! Its the Nov. 2, 2006 issue. You must read "The Worst Congress Ever" it is the most interesting article I think I have ever read. The more I read, the more I am convinced that we are no longer a democracy. This has become a single party ruling class. Given the last two fixed presidential elections and reading about the current Congress it is scary that this country is in its decline. Our government is no longer for the people, of the people or by the people, it is bought and sold by the richest corporations.

My next read is State of Denial by Bob Woodward.

My DH read the book on Enron and he said the shit that Cheney did for them and the corruption and is deep into government would make me sick.

Why don't people talk about this? Why aren't people more insensed at the blatant corruption in this country???