Hot Headed

Can I tell you how much I hate spanking? But I do it--at least twice a week. When my 3-year-old son is hitting me and taunting me, running away from me or being seriously mean to his sister. I know in my mind that I should put him in time-out, but he pops right out of the time-out chair. I have told him that if he doesn't stay in time-out I will spank him. I don't want to, but if he does it, I do.

I hate myself for having to resort to spanking. And alot of the time it doesn't work... only if I hit him harder. What do I do when I am at my wits end? I don't know what to do. My whole frustration gets taken out on my kid and I hate that.

I have been in a better mood lately, but right now I'm just cranky because of the heat.

M

Hello Disillusionment

I have to continue to remind myself, that I am not my body. My body is a shell, a vehicle I use to do my life's work, whatever that may be. My body does not define me, but I must take care of it in order to live. I haven't been doing that so well.

I have been struggling with quite a few things, shall I list them?
1. Body image, what I look like, how much I *should* weigh. What I *should* eat, for health and for pleasure.
2. What is the foundation of my faith, I need to dialogue with myself about that to get right with God.
3. What should I be as a mother, what do my children need and how do I balance that with my own needs.
4.What are my own needs? What do I need to do in order to be a happy person vs. a bitter, resentful person that I find myself slipping into.
5. How do I connect with my husband, how do we become better partners? How do we continue on the same path together, rather than growing apart?
6. How do I fulfill my family obligations (i.e help my dad with his finances, retirement, health insurance) so that it is not at the expense of my immediate family?
7. How do I balance all of the above with my need for outside friendship, relationship with my mom and sisters, in laws, and my household obligations (dishes, laundry, yard work) that seem to take up most of my time.

Not that I expect anyone to help me with this, it is just that I have been thinking quite a bit about all of these things because I haven't been the happiest of people. My resentment toward all the people in my life have been growing which is a clear indicator that my life is out of balance.

I project happiness, contentment out to the world, when in fact I am often flustered, frustrated and just angry at everyone. My greatest sadness is that I take it out on my kids and distance myself from my husband. I feel like I am drowning in my obligations, overwhelmed at that scope of what I have to do. My hope is that I can help myself (because no one else cares to try) by writing. Hello bitterness, goodbye sense of who I really am. I am being swallowed by this cancer of self-pity and spite.

A New Beginning

I finally figured out how to reclaim my blog!

I feel compelled to begin the writing process again. I have a goal to write a book in the next 5 years and would like my blog to be the jumping point again. I have several ideas in mind. The first that keeps coming back to haunt me is writing about our concept (as a society) of motherhood.

It is my own concept of motherhood that is the source of much of my self-imposed stress. I would like to explore this further, but the irony is that I really have to pee. Why, you must ask, does a grown woman deny herself the simple relief of using the toilet? Well, I did the dishes, folded laundry, fed the kids, changed a diaper and checked my email. This denial of my basic need to take a potty break is driven by this view of what mothers should do.

On that note, more later, I must go...