Happily Ever After and other nonsense

I had some conversations this weekend with my sister, aged 16, about a friend of hers that is 20 and just got married to a 32 year old (can you say yuck!). She seemed to think this was quite romantic and tried to make me feel better by saying that she would not get married until she is at least 22 or 23.

It took pretty much all the strength I had to not start screaming at her, "What are you thinking!!?" She seems to have this vision of marriage as Happily Ever After, even after both of her parents have been married and divorced twice and still are somewhat clueless as to why their marriages failed in the first place. I can tell you why: 1) they were too young and had too little life experience the first time they got married 2) made really bad choices on their mates 3) are not introspective enough to know how they contributed to their marriages' demise.

As an aside, I feel like I am somewhat qualified to know this because I have seen my parents' marriage fail and my dad's second marriage fail. Which is why I made sure I knew my mate before we got married (six years together, now six years married), did extensive premarital preparation, and still have gone through ups and downs in our relationship. I knew when I got into this that it was going to be hard work (and it is!). But, I am afraid that my sister is setting herself up for the same mistakes her mother made (we have the same dad).

I may be preaching to the choir, but you CANNOT wait for someone to come and sweep you off of your feet and take care of you for the rest of your life. You have to work at your relationship,take time together and time apart. Then when kids come into the picture, it throws everything upside down and you have to figure out if you can even save yourself from drowning in the responsibility and then save your marriage. Anyone who had an easy transition when children arrived is lying.

I worry about my own daughter living in a world of serious mass marketing of Cinderella and other princesses. The stories all end with "happily ever after." Believing in that could ruin her life. The one in most iminent danger is my sister believing in that crap.

Not that I don't believe in marriage, I definitely do. It is just hard, committed work. And that is the key, is the committment even in the face of really hard times when you think its all coming down crashing around your ears. Its sticking with it and sticking with it and sticking with it before the glimmer of hope starts to show. And then when the hard work pays off, it can be great and fun bursts in the midst of quiet contentment. But, it all goes back to making the right choice of the right mate in the first place. If you don't have the time and maturity behind you, its luck to choose the right one.

I read somewhere once: "Be sure you choose the right mate, the result will be 90% of your misery or 90% of your happiness" (Love you, honey!)