What the hell am I doing?

Pray for my friend Laura

2007-10-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

Please say a prayer for my best friend Laura and her husband Chip (William) as they are getting their new baby boy, Owen in Seoul, Korea today (hopefully). Check out their blog at www.owenbird.blogspot.com They also have twin girls, Caroline and Jane who they have adopted from China almost exactly 3 years ago. It is such a big, difficult process, I can't even imagine. But, I am addicted to checking their site every couple of hours to see if they have him yet. I have been a soundboard for Laura all these months of waiting. I am so happy they almost have him!

Love you all of you,
M

Book ideas

2007-10-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have been reading alot lately....children's books. I have been taking an elementary ed. literacy class and I am supposed to read 30 children's books this quarter. I usually read a great deal, but mostly our home books that are getting a little old and tired. I am loving the children's books.

So, please tell me what your favorite children's books are (you are helping me with my homework)! I am also making a shift as an aspiring book writer of a non-fiction or novel for adults to a children's book author. Yes, I love it that much!

I have a couple of ideas of what books to write, I just need to do it! I even have a friend to illustrate them...

Hope you are well!

Love,
M

The loves of my life

2007-08-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

I love my children more than anything or anyone in the world. I am constantly hard on myself that I am not a good enough mother. Read "The Glass Castle," that'll set your priorities straight. Jeannette Walls' mother didn't even put food on the table. I don't feel so bad now that my house is a little messy, I know we don't wallow in garbage or filth.

David has been great and really hard to deal with. He has been very adventurous, I guess you could say. In the last month he has had three brushes with death and I have been scared to death to let him out of my sight. How do you get through to a 3-year old that something is life threatening when they don't have a concept of death? He bonked his head at the pool and had to go to the ER, then he jumped into the deep end of the pool and another dad had to jump in after him (fully clothed!) to save his ass and then we lost him for a full 5-7 minutes at JC Penney. I was sobbing in the middle of the store and he was hiding under the luggage display because he was pooping in his pull-up. When he kisses me and tells me he loves me all is forgiven, but everytime I think of it I start getting choked up.

Annalise is girly girl who loves to do art and play hard. She is stubborn, but sweet. She drives me crazy when she debates me and uses the same tactics I use to control her behavior on me.

I love these babies and want to keep them close to me to save them from harm, but know that isn't possible. David actually began swimming on his own this weekend! If I let them go a little, they grow into their own little people with talents. Its just so hard to do!

Hot Headed

2007-07-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you how much I hate spanking? But I do it--at least twice a week. When my 3-year-old son is hitting me and taunting me, running away from me or being seriously mean to his sister. I know in my mind that I should put him in time-out, but he pops right out of the time-out chair. I have told him that if he doesn't stay in time-out I will spank him. I don't want to, but if he does it, I do.

I hate myself for having to resort to spanking. And alot of the time it doesn't work... only if I hit him harder. What do I do when I am at my wits end? I don't know what to do. My whole frustration gets taken out on my kid and I hate that.

I have been in a better mood lately, but right now I'm just cranky because of the heat.

M

Hello Disillusionment

2007-07-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have to continue to remind myself, that I am not my body. My body is a shell, a vehicle I use to do my life's work, whatever that may be. My body does not define me, but I must take care of it in order to live. I haven't been doing that so well.

I have been struggling with quite a few things, shall I list them?
1. Body image, what I look like, how much I *should* weigh. What I *should* eat, for health and for pleasure.
2. What is the foundation of my faith, I need to dialogue with myself about that to get right with God.
3. What should I be as a mother, what do my children need and how do I balance that with my own needs.
4.What are my own needs? What do I need to do in order to be a happy person vs. a bitter, resentful person that I find myself slipping into.
5. How do I connect with my husband, how do we become better partners? How do we continue on the same path together, rather than growing apart?
6. How do I fulfill my family obligations (i.e help my dad with his finances, retirement, health insurance) so that it is not at the expense of my immediate family?
7. How do I balance all of the above with my need for outside friendship, relationship with my mom and sisters, in laws, and my household obligations (dishes, laundry, yard work) that seem to take up most of my time.

Not that I expect anyone to help me with this, it is just that I have been thinking quite a bit about all of these things because I haven't been the happiest of people. My resentment toward all the people in my life have been growing which is a clear indicator that my life is out of balance.

I project happiness, contentment out to the world, when in fact I am often flustered, frustrated and just angry at everyone. My greatest sadness is that I take it out on my kids and distance myself from my husband. I feel like I am drowning in my obligations, overwhelmed at that scope of what I have to do. My hope is that I can help myself (because no one else cares to try) by writing. Hello bitterness, goodbye sense of who I really am. I am being swallowed by this cancer of self-pity and spite.

A New Beginning

2007-07-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out how to reclaim my blog!

I feel compelled to begin the writing process again. I have a goal to write a book in the next 5 years and would like my blog to be the jumping point again. I have several ideas in mind. The first that keeps coming back to haunt me is writing about our concept (as a society) of motherhood.

It is my own concept of motherhood that is the source of much of my self-imposed stress. I would like to explore this further, but the irony is that I really have to pee. Why, you must ask, does a grown woman deny herself the simple relief of using the toilet? Well, I did the dishes, folded laundry, fed the kids, changed a diaper and checked my email. This denial of my basic need to take a potty break is driven by this view of what mothers should do.

On that note, more later, I must go...

On the cover of a Rolling Stone

2006-10-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, you must check out the most recent Rolling Stone! Its the Nov. 2, 2006 issue. You must read "The Worst Congress Ever" it is the most interesting article I think I have ever read. The more I read, the more I am convinced that we are no longer a democracy. This has become a single party ruling class. Given the last two fixed presidential elections and reading about the current Congress it is scary that this country is in its decline. Our government is no longer for the people, of the people or by the people, it is bought and sold by the richest corporations.

My next read is State of Denial by Bob Woodward.

My DH read the book on Enron and he said the shit that Cheney did for them and the corruption and is deep into government would make me sick.

Why don't people talk about this? Why aren't people more insensed at the blatant corruption in this country???

My Scars

2006-10-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

(Warning-this post may be TMI) Yes, there is more to my life, than just my band, but right now I am still learning how it affects me so its always on my mind.

I am looking at myself in the mirror again (nekkid) and I look like a science project! I have a total of seven scars on my belly and its weird to see. One is from giving birth to my daughter via C-section--that one is the most admirable. The other six are from my Lap-Band surgery.

I marvel at how quickly my body has changed in the last month. A month ago, I was 26 pounds heavier and had six fewer scars. I was tired all the time and not very attractive. Not that I am so attractive now, just not so scary.

But, my body isn't the only thing that has changed, my mind is able to conceive of things that I either never would have before or I haven't thought of in a long time. Like next week I am going to a reception for Notre Dame's Master of Non-profit Administration in Seattle. I wouldn't have even considered looking into it six months ago before this whole process. Its as if the scars on my body have removed the scabs off of my mind.

Thanks to Bug for being supportive. Not everyone has been, so it is appreciated!

Hope you are all well!

Big Change

2006-10-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hello no-one!
I am going to start my blog again, mostly because I have had a major change in my life. I am going to change my focus a bit and write about my life as a bandster. For those of you who don't know, I had surgery this week to put in an adjustable gastric band. It is a silicone band that is put around the top part of the stomach. It is adjustable by adding saline through a port just under the abdominal wall. It is controversial, I know but it is what I felt is best to lose the many pounds I have put on since college. So far, I have lost about 17 lbs since August 11 on my first visit with my surgeon. Most of it(about 13 lbs) have been in the last two weeks. I am happy about it so far, but have gotten some flak from my extended family members. It hurts, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't please everyone.

I am on a liquid diet now (only clear liquids) for three more weeks and am struggling since my family is eating steak and pasta right now. This is really hard. I really want some food. I think I will do better after Wed. when I can have some protein drinks. Until then...

Fastforward and Rewind

2006-01-31T22:32:00.000-08:00

So, I am adding a third child to my household. No, not another baby, but a 16-year-old sister. Yes, I am fastforwarding to being a mom to a teenager. I know, I am a little crazy, but I feel I can't sit and watch while she flounders in her life.

Many of you who have known me a long time may even remember when this sister was born. Yes, folks, we are getting old. Little did I know that I would be parenting this child. So, a bit of background... we have the same dad who is terminally ill and lives nearby me (but cannot take care of sis) and different (thank, God) mom who has just gone through a second divorce. Her mom cannot help her with school since she did not finish high school herself and my sister is struggling with academics.

She actually moved in today and I am exhausted. I feel like I am too giving sometimes, but then look at the love I get in return and am glad for it.

The question I am putting out there for the world (though, mostly my friends) is this: If you had high school to do all over again and were giving yourself (or your little sister) advice, what would it be? If you had a new high school and fresh start, how would break in or reinvent yourself?

I think I would drink more alcohol. Actually, a couple of drinks would be more than I drank in high school. But, I can't condone that behavior now that I am the parent of a teenager. Seriously, I think I would have rebelled more and not taken shit so personally. I would have had alot more fun. I look back at my high school years and see a blur, really. I have blocked out most of high school because I was so miserable. I guess my way of rebelling was moving 2,000 miles away to go to college.

For some people, high school was the "time of their lives". For the rest, it was a few years of misery. For my sister, I hope that she isn't miserable, but I want her to use it as the start of the fun years of her life not the only fun years of her life.

Any thoughts, Dear Reader?

Social Justice Mama

2006-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Ok. I have talked to some people about this, but not all. So here it is...

With the advent of the Iraq war and other injustices I have become increasingly frustrated with not being able to do anything. But, thanks to my socially conscious friends and family, I have become a bit more aware of things I can do. Here are some that you can do too.

1) Boycott McDonald's. They refuse to pay the farm workers who provide tomatoes an extra 1Cent per pound. The result would be an marked increase in a livable wage to the workers. Yum Foods Inc., the parent company of Taco Bell, recently upped their payment by a cent a pound and made a big difference. Businesses can make socially responsible decisions. You may go to www.ciw-online.org to find out more and http://www.unionvoice.org/campaign/mcdonalds/ to write a letter to McDonald's telling them that you will boycott for this reason.

2) Boycott Walmart. Walmart is building a new Super Walmart in Poulsbo. I love my little town and worry that they are going to drive the small businesses to close. I will not shop there because I want my money going to local small businesses. They do not pay living wages to most of their employees and I have heard story after story of people on the verge of getting benefits getting fired or forced out so that the company doesn't have to pay (This happened to Aaron's aunt). They are the Evil Empire of retail.

3) Boycott Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Russell Athletics, and Team Edition Apparel and write a letter. In April 2005, workers at the Hermosa factory in El Salvador attempted to organize a union. In May, the company shut the factory down. In August --in an attempt to end a 3-month picket line -- management teamed up with a company union and tried to buy workers out. Management and corrupt union officials threatened workers. Factory owner Joaquin Salvador Montalvo was arrested for the US$353,000 he owes workers, but while he is out on bail, workers are not being paid and are losing their homes. Go to http://www.unionvoice.org/campaign/hermosa/wnuxibe247wwnwd ? to write a letter to the heads of these organizations.

4) Sign up at Students Against Sweatshops http://studentsagainstsweatshops.org/ to get updates on campaigns for worker's rights.

5) Sign up for Union Voice http://www.unionvoice.org/wfn/main.html to get updates on issues for U.S. workers.

6) Boycott Nestle. My friend Cami told me that there has been a long standing boycott of Nestle because of their advertising and business practices in third world countries. (Cami, please give me that web site again) I guess they are advertising to women to stop breastfeeding and feed their children Nestle formula where there are no clean sources of water or bottles. They have no means of sterilization so the babies are getting things like rotavirus and dying as result! I still can't believe it.

If you have any other imput of what we can do, please share it!

Hope you are all well and have a great new year! What a way to start the new year, helping your fellow human any way you can! Cheers!

Do the ends justify the means?

2005-12-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am piggybacking from Cami's blog and my comment from her blog (www.chattycami.blogspot.com) that lead to my discussing the current Bush spy scandal.

The Republican spin-doctors claim that if they had not "bent the rules" (aka breaking the law) that the Big Bad Arabs would have made another terrorist attack. I suppose that we will never know, but I do know that the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance court is there for that reason. They even make provisions for surveillance to begin before a court order is obtain just for flexibility. If this is the case, ignoring due process and the constitution are unforgivable.

What really gets me is that the administration claims to be spreading freedom and democracy in its invasion of Iraq and yet fails to follow the very principles they preach. They have corrupted the essence of the rules and laws we abide by as Americans in order to keep us safe from the same people who we forced our “democratic” values upon.

When the Oklahoma City bombing occurred, do you think they broke the law to do surveillance on midwestern white men? I doubt it. Their first look was at the people Middle Eastern decent in this country. The irony is that the first major terrorist attack came from our own citizens so angry at the government’s involvement in citizen’s lives that they became militant terrorists to make a point.

Don’t get me wrong; I abhor all terrorist activity, domestic or international. The issue is that the administration’s tactics have bastardized the very principles that this country stands on, giving fuel to all extremists, white or brown. If we are going out into the world touting democratic values and freedom, our president and this administration should be above reproach.

I am afraid to admit that our country is no longer a democracy but rather an oligarchy, a government ruled by a family or small group of people. George Bush and administration, etc. where is the country I love and what have you done to it?

I pray this Christmas that those who head our government have a change of heart, realize their hypocrisy, bring back our troops from Iraq and change the way they operate.

Attack of the Mama Meltdown

2005-12-12T21:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am going a little crazy lately and as we speak my husband is attempting to fix the consequence of going too long without a freaking break.

My husband has been working about six days a week, maybe more lately. The reason why is basically the Audit-From-Hell, but its too complicated for the scope of this blog. At the same time my youngest is finally getting his molars and acquiring a bunch of language and attitude. My three-year-old is basically just acting her age. I am on the verge of breakdown anyway and then you add Christmas and that pretty much pushes me over the edge.

Yesterday, Aaron had to work again and I was trying to recover from my family's annual Cookie Party. Just imagine My Big Fat Greek Wedding on the rag and you pretty much have my family. So, the kids are testing my patience and my dad comes over and just hangs out, I seriously need some time alone. I was cleaning the front room in order to make room for the tree and then the rest of the downstairs so that I have more than one room clean at one time. Aaron gets home and starts throwing shit all over the floor and the couch (again). I lost it! I started throwing things at the wall and ran upstairs to have some space and then realize that my room is even more cluttered than any room in the house.

I had to get outta there! So, me being nice mommy, I get the Christmas tree and other decorations out of the back of the minivan before I get the hell out of there and then proceed to back up with the back hatch still open. I totally slammed into the garage door and scratched (gouged more like it) the back hatch all to hell. The garage door seemed ok for a while and then when I just got back tonight from a preschool meeting, two of the wheels on the garage door fell off. I don't know if we can fix it and I don't need another stress of a big purchase on my back right now.

I need a vacation from my life but I can't afford it. Can I just be a grinch and skip Christmas this year?

Happily Ever After and other nonsense

2005-12-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

I had some conversations this weekend with my sister, aged 16, about a friend of hers that is 20 and just got married to a 32 year old (can you say yuck!). She seemed to think this was quite romantic and tried to make me feel better by saying that she would not get married until she is at least 22 or 23.

It took pretty much all the strength I had to not start screaming at her, "What are you thinking!!?" She seems to have this vision of marriage as Happily Ever After, even after both of her parents have been married and divorced twice and still are somewhat clueless as to why their marriages failed in the first place. I can tell you why: 1) they were too young and had too little life experience the first time they got married 2) made really bad choices on their mates 3) are not introspective enough to know how they contributed to their marriages' demise.

As an aside, I feel like I am somewhat qualified to know this because I have seen my parents' marriage fail and my dad's second marriage fail. Which is why I made sure I knew my mate before we got married (six years together, now six years married), did extensive premarital preparation, and still have gone through ups and downs in our relationship. I knew when I got into this that it was going to be hard work (and it is!). But, I am afraid that my sister is setting herself up for the same mistakes her mother made (we have the same dad).

I may be preaching to the choir, but you CANNOT wait for someone to come and sweep you off of your feet and take care of you for the rest of your life. You have to work at your relationship,take time together and time apart. Then when kids come into the picture, it throws everything upside down and you have to figure out if you can even save yourself from drowning in the responsibility and then save your marriage. Anyone who had an easy transition when children arrived is lying.

I worry about my own daughter living in a world of serious mass marketing of Cinderella and other princesses. The stories all end with "happily ever after." Believing in that could ruin her life. The one in most iminent danger is my sister believing in that crap.

Not that I don't believe in marriage, I definitely do. It is just hard, committed work. And that is the key, is the committment even in the face of really hard times when you think its all coming down crashing around your ears. Its sticking with it and sticking with it and sticking with it before the glimmer of hope starts to show. And then when the hard work pays off, it can be great and fun bursts in the midst of quiet contentment. But, it all goes back to making the right choice of the right mate in the first place. If you don't have the time and maturity behind you, its luck to choose the right one.

I read somewhere once: "Be sure you choose the right mate, the result will be 90% of your misery or 90% of your happiness" (Love you, honey!)

Gobble

2005-11-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

I am procrastinating reading up on how to cook a turkey and doing my blog instead.

I am a reluctant homemaker who is not crafty, cannot do laundry, and usually gets take-out turkey. This year, my dad, who is ill, did not want take-out and insisted it had a weird aftertaste to it last year. (It probably did) So, I indulged him and now am stressing out about the whole dinner preparation and getting my house clean. Why do I do this to myself? I am going to end up with a really sore back and aching feet.

Hopefully, someone will be thankful.

Happy Turkey Day!

Goals, schmoals

2005-11-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

On August 31st I finally made the decision to withdraw from school. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders and ever since then I have been trying to examine why.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person who has been relatively ambitious when it comes to education. I have always been good at school until recently. Not that I am bad, I just never started really. I signed up for extension classes at Western and ended up working on the same flippin' paper for about a year. I could not get into it and it was really stressing me out. I felt like I needed to be working toward the educational goal while being a stay at home mom. But, why?

So, I just read an article in November’s O magazine and there is a great article about how the "goal oriented" people are the least happy. Meaning the people who have a list and have to tick off all of their goals. Basically it said that those who are seriously goal oriented tend to have tunnel vision when it comes to their life, not really present in the moment and too focused on the future. They might be financially successful, but not really happy. All too often they were working on goals that they eventually felt were someone else's or society's expectations of them.

Holy light bulb moment,Oprah! I think I figured out why I was so stressed out. Granted, I need stress in my life to move me forward, usually, but this was bogging me down big time! So, I came to the realization that we all do this to some extent. We put pressure on ourselves into a goal because perceive it to be the norm or the expectation.

The article also said that the happiest people are those who are open to opportunity, go where they are fulfilled and with what works. They don't have a life plan and stick to it, they have aspirations, but are flexible when something they like more comes up.

Ok, so here's me being flexible... I met with a woman on Wednesday (who I met at Starbucks) to talk about starting my own investments business. So, we ended up talking about writing, my blog, and my dream to write a book. She was great and told me that I didn't need another degree to start writing or to do whatever it is that I want to do. With my life experience and my current mama experience, I could start writing about that!

Therefore, Dear Reader, you are now the subject of my brainstorming, trying-to-come-up-with- a- subject blog. Any ideas or bullshit contained herein are the sole property of me. This blog is now intellectual property. HA! :) Watch out, Oprah, here I come!

Here's to changing directions and not assuming goals that are really not yours. Cheers!

Pisser

2005-11-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, my kid is getting potty trained and is pretty much trained except at night. She has this habit of coming into our bed in the middle of the night. This happens to coincide with the time that she has to pee. I know you are getting the point... Yes, she pissed a whole bunch on my relatively new bed.

Here is another pisser, I, having some forethought, purchased a mattress protection plan when I bought the bed thinking that someone would end up peeing or puking on it. Well, this is the universe's way of telling me that I need to get more organized because in order to get the damn thing cleaned you have to have your original receipt and the package that the mattress pad came in. Who has that crap on hand? I certainly don't. I have a guest room full of important papers mixed in with all of the junk mail I have received in the last six to nine months. I will have to go through a mountain of paper to find one puny receipt to get the pee off of my mattress. I am debating whether or not it is worth it and clean it myself with something that may or may not work. Argh!!

Pisser!

The grass is always greener...

2005-11-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

I am probably the happiest I have ever been in my life (which is saying alot), but...

Last weekend my friend from high school Heather K. came over on the ferry and spent most of the day with me. We had a really good time catching up. Hubby was working so we took the kids to the park, then had lunch downtown Bainbridge. But then I started thinking, what if I was single? What if I had made totally different choices in my life. Her life sounds so glamourous compared to mine. She is dating, has a great job, and goes out with the girls often. She gets to see concerts on weeknights (gasp!) and just do fun stuff. Hell, last night I fell asleep at 9pm while I was lying down with my kids to get them to sleep. That life is so incomprehensible especially when my kid pees on me (through the Pull-Up) while I am typing on my blog!

What if I had moved back to Seattle area after college? Would I be happy? Probably not. I would have had to move in with my parents and they would have driven me to insanity. (not that I am not already crazy, I just would have been really crazy then) Then I never would have had my kids or hubby. And even though sometimes I have hard days where I can't even take a shower (like today), I do love my little family.

I do need a day off once in a while and would love to go out drinking and dancing and sleep without little feet kicking me in the ribs.

Maybe this hedonistic consumer culture that I try to resist is worming its way into my brain. Wasn't it last week that I had to have that new washer and dryer? (I did need it though because it took an hour and forty minutes to dry six towels!) It is hard to keep happy in the "keeping up with the Joneses" suburbia mentality. I have friends that easily get sucked into "if only I had more money, I'd be happy" or "when I get a new house I will be happy." Its kind of sad, really. I just need to kick myself in the ass once in a while when I start thinking the "what ifs." I made my choices for a reason, damn it, and I don't want to live life with a bunch of regrets.

So, when I get tired of house cleaning and diaper changes I'll just live vicariously through my more worldly friends and be happy for them, but try not to short- change myself with a bunch of doubts.

Too much thinking

2005-11-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

What the hell am I doing?

I have been thinking about why this blog is suddenly so desirable to me (and others). Am I trying to escape my life into some sort of cyberspace otherworld? Am I just being lazy and not wanting to do my laundry? Maybe a little of both.

I think the reason why I would rather do this than an actual diary is that there is some off chance that someone will agree with what I have to say, however insignificant it is. I think I have been very contrary lately (mari, mari quite contrary) and just want some freaking positive feedback for a change. Like Lynnae and Daniel, this may be somewhat theraputic and much cheaper than psychoanalysis!

What the hell am I doing?

2005-11-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Somehow I started a blog. I am a little nervous and really don't know how I got sucked into this. Actually I do, Daniel emailed me his blog, I was going to make a comment and in the process of signing up got a blog. I do feel somewhat empowered, but seriously doubt anyone will read this. Anyway, if I can figure this out, I will try and post some pictures of my kids so my distant friends can see them.